The lack of new news is driving me mad.  I want to know something…about CW, about who actually made C-SD, something!

It’s one thing to know I can (slowly) get my career going even if I don’t go through a Clarion workshop.  I get that, I can handle it.  The real issue is that while other people start talking about summer plans, I am wrapped in either spending six weeks as a writer with writers doing writer things or trying to find ways to fill my summer a piece at a time.

If I get in CW, I’ll spend six weeks away from my wife and daughter.  Six weeks!  I haven’t spent six consecutive days away from my daughter since her birth or from my wife since we got married a decade ago.  Going to Clarion will be a gargantuan sacrifice and emotional drain.  (I may be able to channel that into a story, should it come to pass.)  If I don’t go, I have that massive loss before me, a feeling of disappointment so strong that last year I didn’t write anything new while the workshop took place.  (Not sure if I’ve confessed that here before or not.)  I’m just a very emotional guy.

Every day that passes — every hour that passes without news pulls me in both directions at once, preparing me simultaneously to have no workshop and no family.  I need hints like an junkie needs methadone.

Patience is gone now; only anxiety remains.  I think I’m going to get some chamomile to calm my nerves.  Or maybe something stronger.

I’d like to start off with a nice thank you to everyone who has offered warm wishes and condolences and even logic-laced pep talks following my C-SD rejection.  I appreciate you all.  They do not, however, change the fact that I will be a bit of an ass until I hear from Clarion West.

I am a little bothered by the fact that apparently all of C-SD’s rejections have gone out but none of the acceptances have been claimed.  Odd way to conduct business, isn’t it?  What reason could they have to maintain the shroud of secrecy this long?  Don’t tell anyone if you make it, but we’ll let the people know they didn’t.  Seeing a list of people who made it makes me feel better about not making it (unless I recognize names and feel insulted that they “beat” me).  Right now it feels like these rejections are the “hell nos” while they whittle down the top few.  I find it hard to believe my stories fell into the “hell no” category.  They weren’t perfect, but they were better than last year’s stories that warranted a “very close” note in my rejection (that not every rejection received).

I need to remind myself that there are a wide range of writers who apply for Clarion.  Some are already either SFWA members or qualified to be.  Then again, I always hear stories about the writer who has neer sent anything to a magazine and gets into Clarion on the first try.  Do those things still happen?  Maybe.

I had a better showing with CW last year than I did with C-SD.  Surely that pattern will continue.  My inability to count pages may still hinder me, but Neile assured me it wouldn’t be as bad as I originally feared.  I’m still waiting for the first verified CW response to leak to the web.  I spotted a blog that suggested a CW rejection, but it could have been a poorly worded admission that they didn’t apply to CW at all.  I’m also waiting for any sign that acceptances come out, SD or Seattle.  The best sign would be a ringing telephone.  Last year, Jordan Lapp leaked his call very uncovertly on the CW forum and hysteria ensued for about three weeks over it.  Maybe they’e made calls and asked the acceptances to keep quiet, like C-SD does.  Maybe they haven’t gotten around to calling yet.  The question marks are driving me mad.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still in good shape if I don’t get in to CW.  I’ve got the WotF win to ride and the WotF workshop to attend (for learning and hobnobbing), so I’ll still have a pretty good flight plan for becoming a real pro.  Not everyone will have that.  Was it selfish to even apply for Clarion?  Possibly.  I don’t get to be selfish much as a teacher, husband, and father.  So a little bit of writer selfishness isn’t so bad.  I’ll pay it forward one day.